What I feel like everyday: (Living with bipolar)
Imagine your on a roller coaster, and you can’t get off. Imagine your strapped in, scared to death, and they won’t stop the ride to let you off.. it just keeps going and going. You want to scream out for help, but no one can hear you. You try to close your eyes, hoping it will end.. but when you open them your still stuck on the ride.
The roller coaster goes up, then back down. The higher the up, the farther the down. You have no control over what’s going on, all you can do is try your best to deal with it, but your scared. You feel helpless. You scream out again, still, no one hears you. You wonder when the ride will stop, but it never does. You want to to get off so you can be with your family and friends. You want to go and enjoy your life, but you can’t. Your strapped in and nothing you do makes it stop. All you want is to get off the roller coaster, and walk around like everyone else.
*When you live with bipolar disorder, this is how you feel on a daily basis.
You see other people, enjoying their day, and you wonder what joy actually feels like. You see them being successful, and you feel worthless. No one knows your stuck, no one notices your worried. No one knows how worthless you really feel. You try to seem normal, so no one sees your struggle. It’s too hard to explain or try to get someone to understand, so you deal with it alone. Even when you feel good, it don’t last long. When you feel good, it’s not the same as other people… even if your in a good mood, you have the constant anxiety in the pit of your stomach, because you know it wont last long.
There is always that underlying depression, because you can’t control when the next mood swing will come. You feel like you have no control of your own life, and you feel powerless. When you feel this way, it makes you feel weak. When you feel weak, your confidence is ruined. You feel like your never going to be good enough to do anything. So you start to feel numb. You stop caring about yourself. You don’t care about your health, or how you look. Nothing matters to you at this point. You just don’t care. You distance yourself from people and don’t want to be bothered. You are just so down.
However, with every down, there is an up. Just like the roller coaster. You get to a point where you get tired of being down, so you try to pick yourself up. You get yourself out of the rut. You begin to feel like you have a little bit of control, and your confidence begins to come back. In fact, your confidence comes back so strong that you feel like you can do anything. Your on top of the world now, and begin thinking of all kinds of things you can do to be successful. You can do anything you want to now… you are energetic and feel the adrenaline rush, just like when your at the top of the roller coaster. You care about yourself and try to get healthy. You take care of yourself and look good. You want to be social and talk to people. You are just so up. But of course, there’s only one place to go when your up, and that is back down…
So now, your coming down, and you begin to get annoyed. If you had any control, you would stay up, stay at the top. No one likes coming down after feeling so good, right? But you can’t control it, because your stuck. Strapped in, just like the roller coaster. Then the cycle begins all over again. You feel powerless again, which makes you feel weak. Your weakness ruins your confidence, and once again your in the same place you were before. Stuck in that rut. You know that eventually you will get out of it, and go back up, but you have no control over it. So you wait, helplessly, until it stops.
Living with bipolar disorder is hard to explain to someone who doesn’t personally experience it. This is a roller coaster that I want to get off of. I hate it and I am sick… sick and tired of the same thing, over and over again. It gets old…
Let me off this roller coaster, Please!!!