*My personal goal is to take some time each day to post my thoughts and feelings, in hopes that it will benefit me mentally.
I don’t know if I will even stick with this blog. My plan is to blog everyday, share recipes, etc… but living with bipolar I wonder if this is just a manic phase. This happens to me all the time… I will start something, think I’m going to be so successful at it, then get overwhelmed and give up on it. In fact, it just happened to me yesterday. I posted something about making custom homemade cakes on Facebook. I thought, “Yes, I can bake cakes! I can get all the supplies, take orders, make cakes for people… I will be so successful, and eventually start my own business!”
Then, this morning, I deleted the post. I actually had someone interested in the cakes before I deleted it. I have done this so many times… I have done so many things but I can’t seem to find my “thing”… what am I meant to do? I wonder this all the time. I know that I am smart, I know that I have ambition, I know that I have potential… but yet here I am, unemployed, depressed, feeling worthless, and trying my best just to get through the ‘ups and downs’ of my daily life.
When I’m “up” I feel like I’m on top of the world, like I can do anything… these are the times I find myself starting to get ambitious and motivated. I will try to start a home based business, or apply for colleges, or look for a job. I genuinely feel like I can do these things at them times. Then, there’s the “downs”… when I give up. I get depressed by the fact that I have to deal with the mood swings… I get overwhelmed by the fact that I don’t drive, I get annoyed by the fact that I don’t like socializing, I get mad because my mind works the way it does.
It’s almost like 2 people sharing the same brain… one of them is happy and excited about trying new things. She wants to get healthy, quit smoking, go to college, get a job, be around people, and enjoy life. The other one is sad, doesn’t care about her health. She just wants to sleep all day because it passes time, hates being near people, and has no motivation because she feels like it’s pointless to try. These 2 people are complete opposites and they do not get along at all.
Imagine that… living everyday with them 2 people fighting each other all day long inside your head. It can be a bit frustrating and this is why I give up on mostly everything that I try. I feel like I just can’t win no matter what. I have good days and bad days, just like most of you. The difference is, most of you are the same person on your good days as you are on your bad days.
I’ve done everything you can do to get help for my mental illness. You name it, I’ve tried it… Group therapy, counseling, hospitalization, seeing doctors, medication, etc. I realized that the best way is to help myself is utilizing the coping skills I have learned throughout the years. One thing that I have learned from it all is that writing is a good form of therapy. I’m challenging myself to keep up with this blog daily, and prove to myself that I can actually stick with something without giving up. Wish me luck!